My Writer's Journey
"The Spirit of truth will testify to me, says the Lord, and you also will testify."
- John 15:26b, 27a -
- John 15:26b, 27a -
“I feel such a failure," I told my guardian angel. "I have not touched the manuscript since last year. Two weeks after, I'm still on the same page."
“Pulling your hair again? There are more silver strands in there than I remember."
“I know. I know. Was too busy to pluck it out. Now they're invading my scalp. I may need to dye my hair. I don't want to go that route."
"Then don't. Seems you're wanting to do things you don't need and neglecting to do the essentials."
"You're speaking in riddles again. Spit out."
"Please, my lord," I said.
"Where did you leave off?"
"Chapter one needs a rework based on the judges' and editor's feedback."
"That was last November," my angel said.
"We traveled for Thanksgiving." I reminded him. "Had to plan the itinerary, and there was the college application deadline for my daughter, you know, FAFSA and CSS profile application. Then Christmas snuck up on me, with decorating, cooking and entertaining guests. I had to be flexible."
"And your decorations are stored. The guests are gone."
"And my creative mind is as dry as my chaffing winter skin."
"Is this from disappointment and discouragement again?"
I sighed. "I just don't know when this will ever end, this constant revision. Write for the smartest reader and waste not explaining using dialogues, then I get this feedback from one judge that he doesn't get it, whereas the other two did. I don't think it has anything to do with being smart or not. I think it's based on where people are coming from, their background and experience. I got the lowest score from him. How do I strike a balance?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your purpose is attached to the audience you are meant to write for. You're not designed to write for everybody."
"Choose my audience?"
"Your audience had been chosen for you from the moment you were designed by the Creator. Your voice was created specifically for that audience."
"Who is my target audience?"
"You will figure out with your style of writing-- where you naturally settle, without much effort. It will be a journey of discovery."
"Why a journey? Why can't you tell me upfront and be done with it?"
"Because your life on earth is a training ground for the kind of life you will live in eternity. Be happy with what you've accomplished this week."
"Getting back on track with your diet, your exercise, your house projects. Even getting approved for Google ads in your blog site."
What my angel said lifted my spirit somehow. I forgot about those accomplishments. And more.
#1 I got a platform where I regularly publish devotionals and blogs.
#2 Got my feet wet by attending a writer's conference, hiring an editor, becoming a member in a local writers' chapter, submitting entries for writing competitions, and even pitching my work.
#3 Established a writing routine in the past months (until the holidays disrupted it, groan).
#4 Refurnished my home office and made it conducive for writing. (My husband and I felt like Santa's elves, cramming, nights before Christmas as we hammered on the Ikea cabinets.)
"Celebrate your small victories. You're not Wonder Woman."
I remembered the quote from The Word Among Us January 2018 edition.
If we focus only on the things we have yet to do, we risk losing sight of the progress we have already made.
"How come other authors can do it? Like Cara Putman. She is Wonder Woman, according to James Rubart," I said.
I had been listening to the 2017 ACFW conference audio recording, especially those sessions I had missed because I left early to pick up my girls from school. Thanks to the winter weather I was able to run indoors and listen at the same time, hoping to rekindle inspiration. "I think she's more of a multi-purpose cooker," I told my guardian angel, "with the pressure cooker setting in constant use. Whereas I'm a Crockpot."
"A slow cooker—" he said.
"No need to rub it in."
"But you know slow cookers tend to produce more flavorful and tender stews—"
"Which I can also do with a pressure cooker."
"To each her own. Whatever works better for you and gives you more balance and joy. Everything that you do must cater to the health of your body, mind, and spirit. That's where the salvation of your soul lies."
"I guess I need to evaluate last year's goals. What worked? What didn't?"
"Adapt and discard. Last year you dreamed of a writer's life and worked towards that dream."
Dream 2017. That was the title of my spiritual journal.
"This year," he said, "build on the foundations of your writer's life, the life you want to live for the next several decades. What kind of life would that be? Remember you want not just a writer's life, you want an abundant one."
"A healthy, wealthy, happy me." That was my goal when I embarked on this journey.
"You're not just in this for the money."
"I want to create a writer's life, not just write for a living."
"It has to weave seamlessly into your spiritual and family life and not be a deterrent to both."
"Of course. I don't want this to become my mammon."
"Then design your writer's life the way God wants it."
Design 2018. That's going to be the title of my spiritual journal.
"Are you a Christian writer or just a writer writing for the Christian market? Do you pray before you work? Do you depend on the Holy Spirit for inspiration or do you rely more on caffeine?"
"I got a formula!"
"These are the three things that make me feel rich and alive. Pray. Run. Read. Whenever I do all three, I become productive in my writer's life."
"Pray + Exercise + Learn = Write. Why don't you make an infographic and stick it on your whiteboard."
And the infographic flashed in my mind. I can work on that.
"Adapt that. What other things worked for you?”
"Attending the writer's conference worked. (Read here on my ACFW conference testimonial). The monthly ACFW chapter meetings did too. That topic yesterday was spot on--All You Need To Know About Taxes by Paula Gibbons, CPA. She even recommended we need to write our business plan. I feel like God is preparing me to generate substantial income from this endeavor. It's taking shape, this dream. Design 2018." I waved my hand in the air. "I wonder about Critique groups and beta-readers. What would work for me?"
"You'll never know unless you try."
"I hate doing weeknight meetings. Those are the only times my family spends time together."
"Virtual communities exist," he said.
"Lead me to one. Please."
"Perhaps. Perhaps not."
I heaved another sigh. Less is more.
"Remember Teresa of Avila?" he said.
"Yes." I knew what he was getting at. "She'd rather spin her wheel than write the books she was made to write out of obedience."
"Treat your writer's life that way, and you shall reap in abundance."
"Welcome to the Dark Night of the Soul," he said.
I cringed. This was the title of the book I started reading by St. John of the Cross, a Carmelite mystic, and Doctor of the Church. It was about purgation and purification from all earthly desires and motives to achieve union with God.
"You do want your foundations to be built on rock not sands, right?" my angel reminded me.
"Then be careful about the design, make sure it is solid as a rock," he said.
"Now I know why I can't seem to pick up from where I left off. You don't want me to be building on loose foundations."
"Spot on. Didn't take you long to figure it out."
Yes. I smiled. Thirty minutes on the stationary bike, sweating it out with joy. Pray + Exercise got me writing. Beat that slow cooker!
"Remember, you are called to be a light in this darkness, salt in this blandness. Give joy. Make people laugh. But do not let them forget. When people escape into your world, let them see the real world. Instead of forgetting, remind them of what is true and real through your fantasy."
Post scriptum: That evening, I discovered that Realm Makers recently launched an online critique group. Thank you, my guardian angel.
He immediately reminded me of the mistakes beginners often commit using parallelism from The Dark Night of the Soul, on beginner's mistakes in the spiritual journey.
"Avoid these mistakes at all cost, and you shall benefit much from the critique group."
Novel writing is like creating a fish. I started with a fishbone. It all began with the desire to write a story. Inspiration hit me when I took on the 40 days of discipline to wake up at 5:00 am and do yoga. This was to manage my chronic back pain.
After 40 days, I had forty lessons written in my spiritual journal.
“Now you can start writing your book,” my angel had inspired me. “Use each chapter to contain each of those lessons. What's your setting?”
“The desert,” I said. “Christ journeyed forty days in the desert before He started his ministry. I can use the desert to reveal the inner struggle that each of us must face. I've always been drawn to the image of the desert, mortification, the temptation of Jesus and how He overcame it.” The wisps of memory of the three months I spent inside the Carmelite Monastery brought a smile. In there, I drank from the font of wisdom of the contemplatives and the desert fathers.
“But I also want the mountain,” I added, remembering St John of the Cross' Ascent to Mount Carmel. I like the idea of God being on top of the mountain where He can vanquish all the evil within me, like Frodo bringing the evil ring to Mordor. But I also want it to be an adventure. Like Indiana Jones with all the plot twists and chase.”
“So You want it to be an epic adventure,” my angel said.
“Yes, with my hero as the victor, who has super powers. I love those humans with godlike powers. The Greek mythology, Marvel and DC comics, Six-million dollar man, The greatest American hero, X-men, TV series heroes.” I was rambling.
“And he will achieve all these powers when he vanquishes the Tempests of the desert and climbs the summit.” My fish bone had taken on flesh and cavity.
“But can I also make it into a love story?” I said. I'm a sucker for happy endings. Love Disney fairy tales where the prince always ends up with the princess. I grew up with teenage pocketbook, Mills and Boon, Harlequin, and Barbara Cartland.
“Whatever sends you the giggle and thrills,” he said.
I beamed. My fish now had heart and lungs.
“I want you to enjoy the whole process of writing. Just prance away. Bring your character to where you want him to start and lead him to your happy ending. In the middle, let him do what he wants and you can play around with all sorts of plots twists. Just don't get everything so twisted your reader will get lost in the maze and would demand for an airlift out of it.”
So I did as my angel told me. Suddenly a whole new world opened up to me. And God started to talk to me through my characters, teaching me the lessons I learned and adding their own take of the lessons.
They had layered my fish with muscles and skin. Sometimes, in the middle of my writing, I’d cry when I hear the voice of my Lord in the mouth of my hero.
“You do know your hero is a mirror of you and your struggles,” my angel said.
“Then how come on occasions, he refuses to do what I tell him to do? Refuses to go where the road would lead him directly to the mountain?”
“He likes to explore and see if he could navigate the pit or touch that fire and not get burnt.”
“Test his powers, hmm?” I said.
“Just like you.”
I held out my hand to him. “Stop layering my character to become me.”
“But you are the voice of your character. Why do you think he is so real to you? That's your voice talking to God and to the demons inside and around you.”
The more I listened to my hero, the more convinced I became.
“Now, you have to stop making him explain all these stuff to his readers. He's a character not a narrator or an emcee of your stage play. Let him do his thing and describe it as it is. Your readers are not dumb. Dig into his motives. What was he thinking when he jumped off that cliff? Just that one thought. Don't let him expound and extemporize like he knows he has an audience out there waiting for his every move. He's being chased okay? No time to dig deeper into his motives than the first instinct he had. You can make him ponder when he's lying on the grass, gasping for breath or hiding behind the rock.”
Less is more, I reminded myself.
“And nail that lesson in your head. You want your readers to own your story. Don't delve into specifics otherwise they won't be able to relate to your character. Look at the parables of the Master Storyteller. It is subject to anybody's interpretation and open to the movement of the Spirit. Minimal musings and pondering. Just descriptive narration if you want to capture a larger audience and speak to different time periods.”
I nodded and remembered my struggle at describing every curtain that hang on the wall and flower in the vase. God spoke through Sol Stein, author of the book On Writing and said, "You're a writer, not an interior decorator."
“And child,” my Lord said, “enjoy the process of writing. You don't want a character who's always on the run. You want him to take a deep breath, enjoy the scenery, interact with his heroine and companions. I want the same for you. That's pacing for you and your hero so you don't end up dead even before the story ends.”
“Yes, my Lord.”
So I had fun cutting and pasting pictures of my characters, images of movie stars who would resemble them and browsing Travel magazines and identifying the places I imagined where he'd end up.
“I like this pace, Lord,” I said one day while running on the trail.
“Remember, you are more than a writer. Don't let this new ministry consume you. It's supposed to add thrill and adventure to your life. Here’s a useful tip,” my angel said. “Always have your beginning and ending before you, so you don't stray away from your story design.”
Was he talking about me or my character? I shook my head. I'm reading too much of his layered language.
“Like I said, layer but keep it simple," he said.
I nodded and worked on the scales, fins and tail of my fish. Soon it’ll be ready to swim.
What A Writer's Conference, Editorial Feedback and Critique Taught Me That Books on Writing/Editing Could Not
It's been a week since I got home from the American Christian Fiction Writers' (ACFW) Conference yet it seemed just like yesterday.
My husband said when I entered the kitchen, "So how was the conference?"
"Like Grand Rounds!" (Note for non-medical readers: This is a medical conference held when a patient's case becomes too problematic for one doctor and needs the input of other medical experts).
And I had every reason to say that. Three weeks ago, the first 50 pages of my manuscript came back to me splattered with blue and red inks, bruised and bleeding. I could barely touch it.
My editor, Julie Marx warned me that I had to be thick-skinned for editorial feedback and critique.
I am Titanium, right? I can handle this. I've had lots of practice in medical school. But no, my skin peeled like onions bringing tears to my eyes (weeks after the shock). It was like an encounter of the third-kind, (with my family and friends as the two other kinds who'd dare read my drafts).
My manuscript required major catastrophic revision. And she said things that shook the very foundation of my story. When I quoted the book of Revelation as a spring board for my dystopic fantasy world, she warned me against it. She suggested making it purely fantasy so no one will accuse me of being heretical. That really bothered me and it fed on my doubt whether I should heed her advice or not.
"You prayed that I would use her to speak My message and I have spoken," the Lord said.
"But how can I be sure that it is You and not the enemy trying to deceive me? I mean, look at Peter. You told him that he is the rock and upon him you will build your church and yet, the next minute he opened his mouth, you rebuked him and said, `Get away from me Satan, your thoughts are not God's thoughts. Anyone can be your mouthpiece and the devil's mouthpiece at the same time! How will I know?"
"Because I will speak in the silence and peace of your heart where love, faith and hope reside."
Argh. "My mind and spirit are anything but silent right now. You shook the very foundation of my book," I said.
"So now, it is Your book. I thought it was to be My book and you'd only take dictation. Didn't C.S. Lewis teach you that?"
"I know, I know."
"And what did he say?"
I sighed and mouthed verbatim… "Quote, I never exactly made a book. It's rather like taking dictation. I was given things to say. End of quote."
And I relented and knew that fighting the Lord would just put me in Jacob's position. Even if I win, I will end up with a limp and would be begging for His blessing.
"So how can I create a pure fantasy world out of this manuscript that have quotes and quotes from the Bible?" I asked my angel. "It's impossible! And she also said I should remove the Prologue. But I love that Prologue. It's a very beautiful Prologue. God dictated that to me, remember? I could not have come up with that Prologue on my own!"
"That Prologue is for you, not for your readers," my angel said.
"It's your synopsis, a guide, map, whatever you wish to call it."
"But the Abbot of the Abbey, writing a love story... it's both ridiculous and brilliant! It's a great hook."
My angel allowed the reading of the day to speak to me, as though he had grown tired of my whining: Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.
"Didn't you ask what God thinks of your manuscript and use the editor as His mouthpiece? And now He's telling you-- go back to the drawing board," my angel added.
I sighed. When I heard the editor say that, I just stared at her. Literally, I could feel nothing. Was I angry? No. Was I sad? No. Numb. That was how I felt. Wrapped in God's grace, I didn't feel the sting.
But when I got home that day and my husband asked me, "So what did she say?"
"She shredded my manuscript to pieces," I joked.
"But did she say anything good about it?"
I scanned my brain and all I could think of were all the things I needed to improve on. She may have said something but my disappointment at not having floored her with my "wonderful" writing blared like a horn that would have drowned any positive remarks. Doubt settled in the pit of my stomach like a demon and I served it with coffee, tea and biscuits.
I wanted to dig the soil and bury what little talent I thought I had.
"You do know what the Master said to that servant with that one talent?" my angel said.
Yes, I sighed. The gospel reading that Sunday shouted at me:You worthless and lazy servant, you could have deposited it in a bank for an interest.
In my writer's mind, it translated:
"If you're too lazy to revise your manuscript and do the hard work required of traditional publishing, instead of burying your work in the hard drive of the computer to see no light of day, you could at least go indie and publish it in kindle. Someone could stumble upon it, through some mysterious designs which only I would know, and read the message I planted in those pages."
I sighed. I don't want to self-publish another rough draft. "Yes, Lord. I will try to revise it."
So I tried to rewrite the first line and chapter, in vain. For 21 days I struggled to get out of my titanium cell of self-doubt. I had high hopes. The idea of not being able to pitch my work at ACFW and miss the only chance I have this year to speak with an agent disheartened me.
Yet I had prayed that God would use my editor to tell me exactly what to do and I'd obey it.
"I'm really getting conflicting signals here," I complained to my angel. "He said, the time has come. So why this? Is this like Moses going to Pharaoh and then getting denied multiple times?"
Humility and obedience. The words hammered in my head. Okay. Okay. I will not pitch. I tried to convince myself. My flicker of hope dimmed every minute as I repeated the words.
"But you need to prepare your one-sheet and synopsis," my angel said.
"What? But the manuscript is not ready. I don't have the first five chapters."
"The bridegroom comes like a thief in the night. You don't want to be caught sleeping without oil in your lamp."
"Alright, alright. I will do it."
In the conference, the first friendly face I saw was that of my editor.
She hugged me and said, "How's your manuscript going?"
"Nowhere." I laughed. "It's still in the ICU needing resuscitation."
She looked me in the eye and said, "You have a story to tell. Believe you can do it."
Her words sent 200 joules of shock that brought my pulse of hope in fibrillation.
Validation. For one week, this word evaded me yet it sat at the tip of my tongue. What was that word The I desperately needed to bring back my inspired creativity? Affirmation? confirmation? Assurance? No. Validation-- the knowledge that I'm pursuing God's Purpose, that my dreams are aligned with His plans.
I had hoped that He would send me signs, signals and people. For weeks, words of inspirations from the Bible could not get me out of my pit of despair. The promise of wonderful things to happen at ACFW hung like flimsy thread that I could not grasp. I didn't have what it takes to be a writer: these words roped around my neck. But with Julie's validation, the coil loosened.
"Pray for me," I said.
And she did. Right there in the middle of the lobby. I saw the silver lining in my dark clouds. She pulled me and introduced me to the other writers who lifted me with their warm smiles.
Sarah-Meg Seese approached me and said, "In 2015, I came at a conference like this for the first time. Now, I'm a published author."
Is that another dangling carrot for me, Lord? I thought.
"Learn what you can from the masters. Rub elbows with published authors. This is your reality. It is not a dream anymore," my angel whispered.
In the large banquet hall, I watched with awe when the emcee called out those who've signed their first contract and published their first books after last year's conference. Sarah was among them.
I could be that person next year. My pulse steadied but still fluttered on occasions .
Come CEU time, I entered a smaller room. Best selling author James Rubart spoke. My eyes fixed on him. I understood his language, I thought in amazement. He spoke of my hearts' desires in the light of God's designs and my destiny. He also happened to write in my genre, speculative fiction. I held on to each word that came out of his mouth. "Write from your heart. The best story you can write is your own story. The movies that you watch, books that you read all have a common theme. You are drawn to it because of God's design and purpose written in your heart."
I approached him after the conference and talked to him about my book. When he nodded and said he liked the idea, adrenaline rushed through my veins. A best-selling author actually thinks the story is good! My heart pumped with vigor and oxygen entered my shriveled brain.
The more I connected with authors and writers, the more I saw my inadequacy. I looked at my syllabus and realized, in my lofty pride, I signed up for the upperclassmen courses when I was just a freshman. I thought I had bought and read every writing and editing book out in the market and had no need of the workshops. I failed to grasp that theoretical knowledge does not make one a writer.
My angel laughed and said, "Remember how annoyed you were with patients who consulted Dr. Google and think they already know their diagnosis and treatment?"
I shook my head. Even after I graduated from my internship, I was not confident of my ability to treat a patient. It took years of residency and clinical practice before I sharpened my clinical eye and learned my craft.
"It's the same with the writing craft," my angel said. "You may not kill a patient physically but you can kill a soul for eternity with your written words. Learn and master the craft."
"You are writing into someone's eternity." These words had been repeatedly spoken throughout the conference, from the emcee's lips Colleen Coble, the keynote speaker Randy Alcorn and the worship minister Rachel Hauck.
That brought me to my senses. I joined the freshmen workshops like Crafting the First Line by Rachel Hauck and the first chapter revealed itself to me--paragraphs I've struggled with for six versions. The workshop on Creating Settings That Become Characters by Liz Johnson made me see, smell, taste, and touch my world of fantasy.
When I shared my idea for my first line and first chapter to another editor Kathy Ide, during the 15-minute consult, she said, "I like it. That's so much better than what you submitted for critique." She discussed other techniques that I could use to improve my first five chapters.
Another 200 joules of shock catapulted my manuscript.
Finally, I sat in a roomful of people waiting for my agent's appointment. Some looked fidgety and nervous. My seat mate asked me, "Are You pitching?" I smiled and said, "No, my manuscript is not yet ready. I just want get up close and personal with an agent to remove that notion that they would bite and devour me."
And so I approached Julie Gwinn and asked her to critique my one-sheet because I had no idea what a one-sheet was until that conference. She started asking questions about my characters and I started revealing my plot and the three book ideas I had in mind. We had a lively exchange with each plot twists.
"I love it," she said.
I thought I saw her eyes lit up which made me blurt with disbelief, "You do?"
"If you can write it the way you said it and send me the proposal."
That delivered the final 200 joules that stabilized my patient.
"I wish I had a videocamera here that recorded all that I told you," I said and joined in her laughter.
The Lord in His mysterious ways had molded me to act, think and speak in a manner that brought about His purpose, and brought me back on my writing track. I received the validations I had sought for, from chance encounters in restrooms with strangers-turned-friends (Kristen Joy Wilks), seat mates who'd manifest God's leadings in my life (yes, Andrea Michelle Wood, feel free to ask me about medical stuff), fellow writers who sat on my dining table, sharing their journeys, struggles and triumphs (Bruce and Joyce Hammack, you're one inspiring power couple), generous souls who'd offer to sign up in my Newsletter to increase the number of my subscribers (yes, Janine Rosche, your 30 is an incomparable feat to my 3, which includes my ever-supportive mother-in-law), push books through their reviews (Zan Marie Steadham, I salute you for what you do), and give so much of themselves to support organizational endeavors (Jessica White, you could run an LLC with all the things that you do as a support staff). It was like I had come home to my pack, where I felt safe, comfortable and at peace.
This morning, while running on the trail with these events in my head I realized that the Lord gave the most difficult task to my first editor, AJ Marx. She spoke as a prophet with words that are not easy to embrace. And I have to say unless an author learns to accept critique with humility and obedience, she will never grow as a writer.
Had Julie "played it safe" and encouraged me to go for it, I would have pitched a raw manuscript that anyone would spit out. I would have left that conference comatose. It took a lot of courage on her part to be the bearer of bad news but her loving prayers gave me the grace to accept the harsh reality in humility and obedience. So when I got the critique from Kathy, I had been embraced in grace. I no longer needed the titanium shield to hear that my first few pages did not do my story justice at all.
Because I had no intention of pitching, I approached agent Julie G. calm and relaxed. I spoke to her the way I would speak with a friend-- animated and full of humor. I avoided what every newbie would suffer when pitching their first baby--high tension nerves--and the common result that would go with it, a glazed look of disinterest from the agent that could peel a fragile onion skin apart.
The scriptural reading for that day could not stress it more:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts.
I never thought a single ACFW Conference could propel my writing into a crucial momentum. All the experts in one venue were used as the Lord's channel of revelation. It was not coincidence but synchronicity that the event was just a short drive from my house.
Truly, the Lord provides for His beloved as they slumber.
Now I can say, my manuscript is ready… to be taken to the operating room for major reconstructive surgery.
Out-of-the-country summer vacation and family reunions pulled me off course.
For three weeks, I failed to run. Finally, when all the visitors had gone, I returned to my routine.
I went out for a run.
To my aghast and surprise, I panted and heaved after mere 15 minutes under the sun. I felt so lame.
Picking up where I left off with my writing was just as hard.
"Should I start with book 2 or should I wait until I find an editor, an agent, and publisher for book 1?" I asked my Lord.
I have searched for the right editor to work with me and have not had much success. So I prayed and prayed.
As always, prayer was more effective than my own efforts.
One day, I saw an event ad for the American Christian Fiction Writers' Conference. To my delight and surprise, this year's conference will be held at Gaylord Convention Center, here in Dallas!
What a blessed coincidence. Or was it?
I have learned in my walk with the Lord that there is no such thing as mere coincidence.
Someone who allows the Lord to move in his life will find, not a coincidence, but divine orchestration.
As soon as I signed up for membership to get the discounted rate, I received an invitation from the local chapter of ACFW and met my future editor-mentor.
Finally, I am back on track.
At the same time, this led me to another confusing situation. How should I manage my day with a book to edit and a blog site to maintain?
I did not want to happen what had happened to me in the past when I started this website.
I know the way of the Lord is the way of peace and tranquility. Many times in the past, I had bit more than I can chew and ran ahead of the Lord.
As I began to doubt, my Lord assured me as He assured Gideon.
“Go with the strength you have. It is I who send you.”
Still, I falter like the man in the Bible, and the Lord treated me in the same kind manner.
“Please, my lord, how can I do this? My family is the lowliest, and I am the most insignificant in my father’s house.”
“I shall be with you,” the LORD said to him.
“If I find favor with you, give me a sign that you are speaking with me.
These past few months, He had guided me with signs, some glaring and others subtle. I learned to listen to the voices within and around me.
Yet the Lord would warn that not all inspirations would come from Him.
Like Peter, anyone can be used by Satan to distract and pull me off course, include myself. And it is not because I intend to but simply because of my weaknesses. I can become an instrument of both good or evil.
In the end, the recipient of the idea veiling as inspiration ultimately discerns as Jesus had discerned when He turned to Peter and recognized Satan whispering behind him. With a rebuke, "Get behind me, Satan, your thoughts do not come from God but from man," He successfully uncovered the plot of the devil through an innocent mouthpiece.
I too must discern with a humble heart which of the inspirations cater to my ego, my baser instincts or my spiritual side, and only I can see this depending on how much I know myself.
"I will wait for Your sign my Lord. I will wait for Your promptings. I am confused."
"Should I really stop blogging and publishing devotionals while I work on the book or not? Send me Your clarity Lord."
Today is the Feast Day of Mama Mary's Queenship. May I follow her example: she who never acted unless prompted. She waited in patience, holding God's promises, pondering upon it and keeping it close to her heart. I shall do the same.
I held my angel's hand and said, "Pray with me."
And I ask all my readers to pray for and with me.
For three days, I shall remain silent and not act. I will pray as I wait for the Lord and read His signs.
I love writing reviews on Travel Advisor under the pen name Pilgrim Pinay, and when I got an email from them, it came as a surprise because I didn't realize they were tracking my reviews.
I observed that the reviews that gave directions and tips tend to get the most helpful thumbs up from readers.
It was the same with blogging. I started this hobby in 2008 and maintained two blog sites, now both inactive: The Sentiments of a Young Filipino MD Turned US Migrant Nurse and Readrunner. The most read article was on How We Passed the Road Test for Driver's License on our First Take.
The first blog site was an offshoot of an article I wrote, The Sentiments of a Young Filipino MD, sort of an advocacy piece that went "viral" on yahoogroups. The other blog site was a result of running that later gave birth to my book Running the Millionaire Lane. Both blogs would also have tips and advice.
Looking further back, my first published article on the international level was featured in the Union Catholic Asian News regarding the plight of the Vietnamese refugees in Puerto Princesa City, Palawan, an advocacy piece.
What do these all mean? I can't help but ask myself as I continue to journey and discover the writer's life.
In the gospel last Sunday, the Lord led Elijah to the mouth of the cave and said to him, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by.”
A strong and rending wind came, but He was not in there; neither was he in the earthquake and the fire. Then Elijah heard a tiny whispering sound. And there he found the Lord's presence.
In my life, I often look for the Lord in heart-rending moments, in shaking events or in fiery discourses; but I've learned these past years, that He'd often speak in the silence of my heart.
Two years have gone by from the time He led me to my sabbatical. I have seen His presence in my writing. I'm at peace and certain that where I am right now is His will for me. My current disposition, habits, and practices are conducive to listening to this tiny whispering sound that Elijah heard.
When I visited the Philippines over the summer, I only intended to meet up with friends and family and visit the northern region. Yet within those three weeks, I've become more observant. I've become a pilgrim and not a tourist.
Pilgrim vs. Tourist
Matthew Kelly, in his book, “Resisting Happiness” wrote: Tourists want everything to go exactly as they have planned and imagined it; rush around from one place to another; cram everything in; busy buying souvenirs; get upset with delays; demand prompt attention and service; focus on themselves; go sightseeing; count the cost.”
“Pilgrims look for signs; concerned with things they feel called to see and do; aware of needs of others; look for meaning in everything; count their blessings; spend loving moments with people around them.”
In this recent travel, I realized I have become a pilgrim and learned to listen and watch out for signs without actively intending to.
There were many changes from the last time we visited in 2013, and yet many things remained the same. With the many rises in condominium units and commercial buildings, the poor congested areas seemed to increase as well.
Traffic had gone from bad to worse. We moved at 5-10mph on the main thoroughfare.
Is it a traffic crisis?
Well, that would depend on whose point of view.
I recalled the chemistry experiment about the two frogs that reacted differently in a boiling pot of water. One frog was put inside a cold pot of water which was heated on a stove. This frog swam in comfort. Slowly the fire increased the water's temperature approaching the boiling point, but the frog barely noticed the change until it was too late; whereas the other frog kicked and panicked as soon as it was immersed in the already heated and near-boiling water.
As immigrant balikbayans, we were the latter frogs. The traffic was intolerable. Even coming from a city where traffic is probably considered bad compared to another metropolis, we found this type of congestion severely energy- draining.
We wove through 10-15-mph-moving vehicles while motorcycles wove in between car gaps. At intersections, throngs of pedestrians would join the party. I realized how I had changed these past years when the sight of people crossing the streets at a kissing distance from the car actually scared me. It had been a long time since I had seen such a thing. This would happen throughout the day and the week and would worsen during rush hours on weekdays. A 5-min walk could take a car 30 minutes to cover the same distance.
So why weren't the people walking?
My husband and I decided to walk one day and recalled why. Hello, steaming humidity and heat! Amidst the spa-like condition, we had to weave through narrow sidewalks with oncoming cars appearing in surprise from parking garages at every building we crossed. It was like playing this game Froggy where the risk of getting smashed in the middle of traffic was as high as the humidity of the air. As we walked, my husband complained not of sweating but “sapping.” I laughed at the apt description of sticky sweat dripping from his back like a rubber tree trickling out sap.I had to put a paper towel under his wet shirt as we approached the bank.
So yes, that made walking less desirable than sitting in the air-conditioned car on an almost-parking mode.
When we drove outskirts, we thought we had escaped the crawl of the congested metropolis only to be confronted with yet another one—the tricycles driving at 5mph on the National Highway. My husband gritted his teeth in exasperation as he wove in and out of his lane to avoid the creeping vehicles.
This long haul to what could have easily been a two-hour drive to our scenic destination gave way to long conversations with my tween and teenage daughters.
We passed by rice paddies where farmers manually planted rice under the heat of the sun.
"When we were student nurses, part of our curriculum was to live for one semester in one of those far flung poor communities," I told them. "We'd cross the rice fields along the pilapil, the mound of dry land in between the paddies to get from one cluster of houses to another. We conducted health surveys, community consultations, home visits, and health education. Some of my classmates even home-delivered a baby. I used to pray that I wouldn’t have to do that, although my health bag was always ready. I regularly boiled my instruments to keep them sterile and wrapped them in ironed cloth. That was the most practical way of sterilization back then," I said.
We passed by a town, and my husband commented, "Look at how the shacks and huts are standing right beside new houses built of concrete."
A pang of sadness hit me. True, some have managed to make a good living, perhaps from working abroad as an OFW, but many town folks are farmers who could barely make ends meet.
"Being a farmer means being poor because they don't own the land. And even if they do, the harvest could barely cover the costs of farming," I told my daughters. "They would tend to bear many children so they would have helping hands on the rice field but that also increased the number of mouths to feed."
As we passed by a public school and students in uniforms came out, I looked at their faces.
How many of them would end up in congested Manila or go abroad and work as a domestic helper in Dubai or Hong Kong?
I voiced out my thoughts and said, "If only the suburbs were developed enough, so people didn’t have to throng in Manila or work abroad. But that would mean providing better opportunities and providing better services outside the city—not just work but education opportunities like good schools, and competent teachers. This would need smart and intelligent students pursuing degrees in education. Yet this would not happen if salaries for teachers are not attractive. Thus the rippling effect. Doctors and nurses wouldn't stay in the provinces if there were no good quality schools and services available for their children. That would partially explain the inadequacy of health care services in the outskirts, which would further push the people to move to the cities."
"Stop," my husband said.
Yes, thinking about the problem was energy draining. We drove out of town to recharge and not drain our batteries. So I kept my thoughts to myself.
The problem is so much deeper and complex.
There was no simple solution to a systemic problem that had metastasized at every cell in the society.
Of complacency and lack of urgency
As I lie down on the beach with a book in my hand, enjoying the sound of the waves and the wind blowing on my hair, I thought of the events that had happened over the previous days.
The Philippines is an archipelago and is composed of more than 7,000 islands. I should have thought of this when I complained about how slow things move.
Time drags. Time is relative. Perhaps when I retire and am no longer in a hurry to get things done, I might settle on a remote island in the Philippines, but right now when I crave efficient use of my time, I cannot tolerate all the redundancies of steps. Such a waste of energy and resources. It must be the humidity, the heat, and the traffic. People have no energy to speed up.
Even bank transactions took hours and sometimes days when one had to come back and personally pick up a check that needed to clear. Even when entering malls, we had to fall in a queue because of the manual bag inspection and body frisk or pat down at the door. Paying for purchases in the malls also involved extra steps: after the cashier had punched in the price of the item, and the customer swiped the credit card or paid in cash, another staff would inspect the item, mark the receipt with a pen, and staple the receipt on the bag. I had to hold my breath, one time when the phone rang just when the cashier was in the middle of performing these arduous steps all by herself, and she just had to take that call! No wonder the queue was just as long.
Yes, this was one thing we noticed and had forgotten: how long things get processed in the Philippines.
I recalled another incident when my husband and I sat in a bank, waiting for our turn to make a simple payment transaction.
"Look at how that one man hovers around the two tellers, signing something they've done. For one transaction to happen, a pen needs to sign a paper, then a stamp pad needs to hit the same paper, then another pen then the machine and then finally the pen of the customer. Too many steps for a single transaction, like they fear that simplicity would lead to errors. It's crazy!"
We went out of the bank, thirty minutes after. The whole transaction could have been processed in less than five minutes if only there was a sense of urgency and efficiency. I guess they have not heard of the wisdom of the mantra, "Less is more." Or perhaps people have gotten used to this pace, and so everyone appeared contented.
"Everything moves too slow! I just can’t take it," my sister-in-law, also a US immigrant once commented. I smiled. She's right. We've been so used to efficient living where we can plan our day ahead of time that the traffic and slow processes were intolerable.
"I guess it's also good that Filipinos migrate and experience how things are done abroad. Perhaps it'll broaden their perspectives and realize, things can improve and everything need not be complex and hard and run at a turtle's pace," I told my husband. "Weren't we surprised too when we moved to the US that obtaining a driver's license and a vehicle plate would only take us less than five or ten minutes?"
He laughed at the memory. We were ready to spend the entire day at the BMV and came out so fast, we spent more time at a nearby mall than our original business for the day.
Having worked at large institutions in the US, I have experienced the culture of process improvement. We regularly ask the question, "How can we improve the process? How can we make things faster and more efficient? How can we make things easier and create a better experience for our customers, patients or end-users?" This could mean decreasing steps, taking out redundant processes, automating things, providing guidelines, constantly evaluating and re-evaluating. In the end, these resulted in greater productivity, cut down cost and increased profitability and value of the company.
I guess that culture still needs to seep in. Slowly it's happening in certain sectors.
You wished too there was a sense of urgency.
"But life is so easy here," a local friend contradicted. "When I wake up, breakfast is ready. When I come home, my laundry is done and my clothes pressed and ironed. When I need something, the driver can run my errands. I go to the bank and tell the clerk to come out and take my paperwork. You just have to set up a system for yourself. As long as you have the money, things are easy."
It was the same for my aunt. She loved how she could weave her way around the system. She knew the right people to approach who could meet her needs.
And another friend, a US citizen would rave about wanting to retire in the Philippines. She loved how she could easily arrange for services to meet her needs: a driver to bring her to places, maid to prepare her food and run her errands.
I hate to think that the common thread that would draw people to stay in the country is what money and influence could buy: affordable help and service, no matter how slow or fast.
I am ashamed to admit that I am a better person in the US than in the Philippines. I am more generous, kind, and peaceful. When I was in the Philippines, I felt like I was in the jungle and I played by the rule of the Survival of the Fittest where dog eats dog. In all my endeavors, I had my own selfish interest in mind. "What's in it for me?" was the primal question whenever opportunities come up. I recognized it as the Poverty Mentality.
I also do not like to think that only three kinds of people would thrive in the Philippines: those who have the three Ps—Power, Popularity, and Peso, and that for the middle and low-income groups, all there was left was that one P that the have-nots would hold on for dear life.
But I could not help it because when I attended mass in this country, I sensed an air of heaviness and despair. It was a starting contrast to the atmosphere that I would sense at mass here in the US, where people simply go to worship and give thanks. This particular chapel in Manila vibrated of pain and suffering. I came out exhausted.
I have also observed how the lowly serving people are so tolerant of impatient customers or employers. They remain unfazed even with abusive words, or have they just gotten used to it?
The more I pondered about this, the more I sensed a system that's deeply rooted in a culture of colonialism.
Could it be that the three hundred years of Spanish colonization and oppression, followed by more years of servitude to foreign nations, would only lead to an independence that did not really mean much but just a change in the color and face of those who'd oppress the poor, now no longer foreigners but Filipino elites?
Will it take another three hundred or more years to undo the damage that was done to this culture? It seems the bondage is deeply rooted. It may take more than just economic liberation, but also mental, social, cultural and spiritual liberation.
Should that stop people from doing anything about a problem that seemed Leviathan in size?
"We cannot help everybody, but that shouldn't stop us from helping those whom we can."
Those words came from my socially-conscious 18-year-old niece who lives in the Philippines. I take my hats off her.
She's the same niece who chose to spend her grand debut birthday celebration in the Jesus Loved the Children Foundation at the Riverspring School. Most well-off girls would splurge money for a grand 18th birthday celebration, but she chose to spend it in a worthy cause. She organized her family and close friends to be part of this outreach program. With simple games to entertain the kids, snacks, and lunch, she made a difference in the lives of everyone. One good deed breeds and inspires more good deeds. This is the rippling effect. Whether you're a small stone or huge one, you will create a ripple in a body of water.
I have seen other similar efforts of social initiatives, personal advocacies, underground and behind-the-scene reforms in the political arena, and creative business strategies geared towards poverty alleviation. The results are not yet apparent and striking, but I sensed the rippling effect.
What kind of ripple am I creating?
Writing for advocacy. It's all coming back to me.
Perhaps it’s time to get inspiration from the national hero of the Philippines, Jose Rizal. Did he not expose and lament over the situation of the country while living abroad while Andres Bonifacio led the revolution from within?
I know there’s a reason why God would lead some people to migrate while the others to stay. These past few days, He seems to be reminding me of the words He spoke before we migrated to the US.
“When the LORD, your God, brings you into the land which he swore to your fathers: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, that he would give you, a land with fine, large cities that you did not build, with houses full of goods of all sorts that you did not garner, with cisterns that you did not dig, with vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant; and when, therefore, you eat your fill, take care not to forget the LORD, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery. The LORD, your God, shall you fear; him shall you serve, and by his name shall you swear.
The LORD is our God, the LORD alone! Therefore, you shall love the LORD, your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. Take to heart these words which I enjoin on you today.
Drill them into your children. Speak of them at home and abroad, whether you are busy or at rest. Bind them at your wrist as a sign and let them be as a pendant on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates.
The LORD, your God, shall you fear, and Him shall you serve; hold fast to him and swear by his name. He is your glory, he, your God, who has done for you those great and terrible things which your own eyes have seen. Your ancestors went down to Egypt seventy strong, and now the LORD, your God, has made you as numerous as the stars of the sky.”
As an immigrant and a dual citizen, I hear a soft whisper within me: “A time will come when you will have to take a position to help My little ones. You have to push and prod big people, those with the three P's, to make them move and help My little voiceless ones.”
"How, my Lord?" I asked.
“You too must befriend the alien, for you were once aliens yourselves in the land of Egypt.”
Is this another call within a call?
"I have not been faithful, my dear angel. I did not heed the Lord when He summoned. I had all sorts of excuses, amidst my hectic schedule of packing, unpacking, travels, and jet lag."
My angel sighed. He was not surprised. He'd seen me fail, time and again. I admired his patience and understanding.
"The only thing He asked of you was to open your ears so you may hear and then write as the words come to you."
I knew what he meant. He'd been nagging me to write about the Word of Inspiration.
"Blog for the week about receiving the word of God like a fertile soil and becoming His instrument of inspiration for others. Be childlike in countenance, trusting and believing in the Father's promises and all your dreams from Him will come true. Just cut and paste from your spiritual journal."
The Parable of the Sower had been a recurring reading lately and had flooded my thoughts and journal entries.
“The Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man who sowed good seed in his field. While everyone was asleep, his enemy came and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off. When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well. The slaves of the householder came to him and said, ‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field. Where have the weeds come from?’ He answered, ‘An enemy has done this.’ His slaves said to him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’ He replied, ‘No, if you pull up the weeds you might uproot the wheat along with them. Let them grow together until harvest; then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters, “First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning; but gather the wheat into my barn.”’”
I have learned that when the Lord gives the Word of Inspiration sometimes, the enemy comes and adulterates it. Sometimes I adulterate it. Yet God continues to use me anyway.
"Why?" I had asked my angel.
"If Jesus waits for the perfect instrument to bear His message, He'll not find anyone to use."
He's right, and I thought about my manuscript. I had not heard from the agent. It can only mean one thing.
The manuscript is problematic.
Doubt had assailed me. Perhaps I had been deluding myself. It's all a figment of my imagination—all His words of inspirations, His promises.
"Then toss it," my angel challenged me.
I sensed my angel's satisfaction. "That must be your sole motive in writing: to do the will of the Lord and you shall be purified in the fire of His love. He will also purify your message."
So I took my pen and wrote: "Blessed are You o Lord who is so lenient with our imperfection and impurities, for you allow your Word of Inspiration to grow within my creative recesses along with the weeds of my own. Even as I write flawed stories, You infiltrate it with Your Divine work, so it touches my soul and changes me."
In my mind, I heard the Lord speak.
"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
"I know Your word is powerful, Lord," I replied. Whatever You say through me will pierce the hardest of hearts, even those of stones and prickly thorns. You will send the needed rain to drench the soil, the hoe to plow the field and make fertile the land. But oftentimes I'm confused how and when to speak."
My angel took my hand and led me to a particular day in history, a chapter in the Book of Life.
"On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd stood along the shore. And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold. Whoever has ears ought to hear.”
“Hear then the parable of the sower. The seed sown on the path is the one who hears the word of the kingdom without understanding it, and the evil one comes and steals away what was sown in his heart. The seed sown on rocky ground is the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy. But he has no root and lasts only for a time. When some tribulation or persecution comes because of the word, he immediately falls away. The seed sown among thorns is the one who hears the word, but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches choke the word, and it bears no fruit. But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.”
"It's amazing how even for those who hear God's word and bear fruit, they vary in productivity," I told my angel.
"Because their attitudes vary when they receive the Word of Inspiration."
I turned to the Lord and said, "I want to bear fruit a hundred fold my Lord and not just sixty or thirtyfold. I want to give as much as You've given. Increase Your fruits in me my Lord that I may feed many who hunger for Your word. Let me be a huge channel of Your blessings Lord for You are a generous God and You need generous souls to use as Your channel. I am not generous, but I know I can be transformed by Your grace, into Your image and likeness."
Again the Lord spoke through His Word:
“Whoever receives you receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me. Whoever receives a prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and whoever receives a righteous man because he is righteous will receive a righteous man’s reward. And whoever gives only a cup of cold water to one of these little ones to drink because he is a disciple– amen, I say to you, he will surely not lose his reward.”
I cried at the words that consoled my doubting soul and said to God, "You have set before me The Work. Slowly You want me to look at it in a detached manner, detached from me. No longer must I view it as my work but the work You have set for me. You can do with it as You please. If You don't want it to be published, let it be. If You want it to be shred to pieces, let it be. If You want it to be buried forever in my hard drive, let it be. It is Your work in me; You can do with it as You please. Sometimes, pride would push me. But the reading for today also gives me a promise. If this is truly Your work, o Lord, no human being can prevent it from being published, not even me. You have promised that whoever will help will be blessed tremendously. Send out Your helper my Lord. If it is not this person, then please direct me to someone else. Please do not let me knock and knock at the door of someone who refuses to open it. Persistence seems to be Your message. So I guess if this is not the time, then lead me at least to the editor. Let me ask out there, and make a shout out. Help me discern."
"You pray and ask for God's will but tend to manipulate and pressure Him to do your bidding," my angel said and caught me by surprise. "For even before He could answer and make His will known, you have already turned your back and set out to do your will and even believe it to be God's will. O such hastiness and rashness, such lack of prudence. Although sometimes it's from your own zeal and passion to carry out the inspiration that would make you do this."
I shrank in shame as I listened to his words.
"Yet the Lord had been forgiving because He knows that you act out on what you thought was His inspiration," my angel added. "But don't be obstinate and stubborn otherwise, He'd allow you to carry out your will, and you'll witness the cross of your making. And when that happens, don't come around angry and complain to the Lord for being unhelpful and unfaithful to His promises."
"Have I been like that, my Lord? Have I been impetuous and assuming? Oh, Father may You forgive Your daughter. Obstinate and stubborn indeed I am. Let me know Your will, and I will carry it. I guess I should not move unless I know for certain that You want me to move. Help me find confirmation from my prayer partner, my husband. You have always used him to make Your will known in the past. Let Your will be known through him."
"My sheep hear my voice," says the Lord, I know them, and they follow me."
"Speak Lord for Your servant is listening. Here I am Lord. I have come to do Your will."
"Wait for the Lord to fulfill His promise," my angel said.
"I will, my Lord. I will wait before I make my move. Temerity is my new vocabulary for today because that's what I have been: imprudent, presumptuous and acting out of haste and rashness. I know Mother Teresa had felt that way when she was still discerning Your call for her. It's difficult to know Your timing. I've also read Sr. Faustina's diary. It's the same thing. I fall in this pendulum of doubt and presumption. I find it hard to rest in the center of the pendulum, where Your will resides. I keep on swinging to and fro and missing Your perfect timing. Why is it so my Lord?"
"Because your time does not coincide with My time. When I say `now,' it can span from the beginning to the end. My time is different from yours. Mine is all embracing and all encompassing. Yours is a mere snippet of a nanosecond of Mine."
"So that's why You are also lenient with us because You understand that we are confused most of the time because of this discrepancy in understanding time," I said in great wonder.
"You are truly good and forgiving LORD, abounding in kindness to all who call upon you. I'm so happy that You speak to me in the silence of my heart and I understand Your message encoded in Your Words and readings for the day."
From afar, I heard my brother St. Paul say, "The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit because he intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will."
"Thank You for revealing these things to me," I whispered.
The image of my Lord appeared in my mind and said, "Blessed are you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth; you have revealed to little ones the mysteries of the kingdom."
"You keep on repeating this verse like You want to imprint it in my soul," I said. "Am I one of Your little ones, my Lord? I've seen how You called Your little ones—St. Therese, Sr. Faustina, and Mother Teresa from among Your people. Each faithfully responded when You called them. To each, You've given Your grace to become Your instrument of love, mercy, and charity. LOVE. MERCY. CHARITY."
"Now You're telling me to proclaim Your Immense Love, Unfathomable Mercy, and Unending Charity to all. That we become these to all, we the little ones."
"And there are many souls You are calling to be Your little ones. I for one know I am called to be Your dear little one. I've seen You manifest Your will. When I held Your hand and allowed You to lead me, I felt secure and at peace even amidst the chaos. But when I acted on my own and ran around and gone astray, I lost You and was in great distress, like a little child who lost her parent amidst the crowd."
"This is a great mystery, and You've revealed it to me. I don't know which ones You want me to reveal to others and which ones I must keep to myself. I’m still groping like a little one, but I know You will lead me. All You ask is my complete trust and surrender, and I shall know."
"For one, I know You want me to write about how not all inspirations come from You. Some are sown by the enemy. Yet You allow it to happen that both weeds and wheat should inhabit my work so that I will remain humble. Everything that is good comes from You, and everything that is not is my own or sown by the enemy. Because I’m human, my work is not perfect. Not everything that I write is perfect and true, yet You allow it because if You take out the weed, the wheat might also be taken out. Human and imperfect that I am, I will always have both weed and wheat. If You stop using me because of my human imperfection, You cannot use me at all. I would be useless to You. But You tolerate my imperfection and use me nevertheless even when I dabble with Your message. You allow me to express it freely in my own way. You allow my creativity to meddle with Your truth. That is Your clemency and charity at work. Your tolerance for our imperfection is immense. You allow Your perfect message to be uttered by imperfect messengers."
"Help me to continue to hide in the shadow of Your wings as Your little one. I read the testimonies of the big eagles, of inspirational writers who still found their life dissatisfying after all their success in writing. I want to write as Your little one, like St. Therese, hidden from the sight of men. I will complete all three books. More and more I desire to write it only to fulfill Your will and less and less to be known and become popular as an author. I’m happy and contented with my simple life as a little one my Lord. I find my greatest fulfillment and happiness when I hear You each day."
In my mind, I see the Lord smile at me with great love in His eyes, "Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears, because they hear. Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.”
My eyes stung with tears. "I’m truly blessed, my Lord. I don't know how it happened that You should choose me, a most unworthy and imperfect instrument to write Your message of love, mercy, and charity. Even though I’m a crooked pencil, You’re still able to make use of me to proclaim Your Word. Blessed are You o Lord God of all. Purify me in the furnace of Your love, so I don't adulterate Your message. My pride, self-will, vanity, and vainglory taint Your message, and the enemy uses these to mar Your perfect truth. May I not destroy Your work o Lord. Do not allow it. Do not allow me to mislead people. Silence me when not prompted and summoned because I should know by now that nothing that comes from me could be good unless You make it. It was a hard lesson to learn. Help me remain silent when not summoned. This runs counter against common rules for writing and publishing. No longer will I act with impetuousness. I shall wait for Your prompting. And when You call, let me heed in obedience."
"Lord, one thing that I noticed in Your little ones is the promptness with which they desire to heed Your call. St. Therese of Lisieux had to beg the pope to allow her to enter Carmel. Mother Teresa of Calcutta had to do the same when she started the Missionaries of Charity. Your servants tend to act in haste and zeal to do Your will and encounter hindrances along the way. I guess it’s part of the purification process. Or maybe You just want to test our will to see how much are we willing to work to fulfill it; how much are we willing to sacrifice and suffer to make it happen. In the end, when You’re satisfied with our commitment, You remove all blocks and pour forth Your blessings. It's the same way that You've manifested Your power against Pharaoh when he refused to make Your will happen and Moses in persistence and commitment, continued to prod and knock and speak until Your will would be done."
"Everything is a great mystery. Yet You reassure me that You will reveal it to me, Your little one. And I will come to understand how You unfold Your will and make it happen with our surrender, cooperation, and commitment."
Three things I need, according to one of the big eagles in the writing industry, Paulo Coelho (from the Warrior of Light): training, experience, and inspiration.
For some, training is not enough. They are wanting in inspiration. But for me, inspiration is not enough. I have need of training and experience.
The body is for training; the mind is for experience and spirit is for inspiration.
Training the body makes it strong and will grow the muscle it needs to do the work.
The experience makes the mind confident of the task at hand so it may tread paths that cowards will not dare pursue.
The inspiration is of the spirit and breathes life into the work, so it achieves what it wants to achieve, leaves the soul a different man and breeds more inspiration.
I turned to my angel and said, "I shall pursue The Work so, with training, experience, and inspiration, I shall bear God's fruit a hundredfold."
My angel rested as he saw my determination to fulfill the Lord's will.
My soul, too, found peace.
"One pen can change the world," the young girl, Malala, said with conviction as she advocated for education.
I watched the youtube video in awe. At a young age, this girl authored the book, I Am Malala and knew with wisdom the power of the pen.
One day, we visited a prayer room in a hospital. My husband said he wanted to go out because he couldn't breathe. I thought the room was stuffy, but as soon as I passed by where he stood, I felt a strange presence. A weeping soul, that of a woman's, sat where he stood. Trapped in that little chapel, her spirit didn't know what to do. As I rode the car, God prompted me to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy for the repose of the soul of that woman. I sensed a deep sorrow in her. At the twilight of her life, she experienced a crisis in her faith. She doubted God and His promises. At the fourth decade, I sensed her immense gratitude. God, in His mercy, had released her from the prayer room and welcomed her to the other side of the world.
I finished the chaplet prayer in thanksgiving and gratitude and urged the woman to keep us in her prayers, we who are still pilgrims on earth.
I knew phenomenon such as this could happen because someone wrote about it. The Diary of Sr. Faustina revealed that some souls spend their purgatory here on earth. They are trapped in a certain place, time or event where they needed purification. For that woman, it was a prayer room devoid of the Holy Presence of the Tabernacle. This aggravated her great longing and thirst for God which caused her soul immense suffering. While on earth, she had neglected her faith, although she led a good and decent life. There, God made her feel how His Heart thirsted for her love but she did not open her door to welcome Him. So the door of that chapel locked her in. There she had to suffer the pain of love that longed to embrace Love Himself.
As a writer, I have to be responsible for what I write. Ideas can inspire someone into action: bad ideas into gruesome action and good ideas into noble deeds.
I recalled that one occasion where I was in a strange area. I wanted to hear mass, and this chapel appeared in Google maps as just within walking distance from where we were staying. The landmark was a bank. So I walked and trusted my gut, but it led me to a street that made it hard for me to see the sign of the landmark. I saw it through the reflection of the building across the street.
I thought that was strange. I felt like a lost pilgrim looking for God. He was just right there beside me, so near yet I missed Him and only saw Him through a mirror from afar.
"You are to be that mirror for those who are having trouble seeing Him even when He is already so near," my angel said.
"Through your pen. Just as God used Sr. Faustina to testify about God's mercy, so shall you. Everyone is called to testify: some, through the spoken word while others, through the written word and all, through their lives. In small or greats ways, simple or grand, you are called to testify."
All the more, the gravity of the call as a writer weighed down upon me.
What if I point them to the wrong direction? Because as I approached the door and asked for the chapel, the man said it was the wrong branch of the bank. There was another one down the road. So I walked further down the road and again, failed to see the sign at the outset, for it was up so high. And when I did, I realized it was still the wrong branch. Finally, a man directed me to a street, two blocks away from where we resided, and there was the chapel, hidden and obscure. Had I followed the google maps and not my instinct, I wouldn't have missed it. But because I turned to the wrong street and different route from what I initially planned using the map, I missed the sign that was only visible from the other route.
Apparently, my gut instinct is not always reliable. I am prone to error.
"People should not believe all that they read, hook line and sinker," my angel said. "It needs to be confirmed and affirmed by another; at least from three sources, if of lesser authority but one will suffice, if of great authority in the given subject. Only then will your content be found reliable and credible. No matter how responsible a writer you are, being human, you are still prone to error and mistakes. It is the responsibility of the reader to seek for the truth. And he who seeks with a pure heart will eventually find the truth."
How Can I Purify My Intentions?
In the past, I have approached writing as a means to make a living.
God rebuked me.
"You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do. Write not to make a living. Write to give life and make life worth living. Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees. Do not dilute your works with thoughts of profitability and marketability. I am the Lord, your God. Do not have other gods before me. Do not be afraid to become a voice in the wilderness. Listen to me and announce the good news to my people.
Write not to make a living.
Write to give life and make life worth living.
Do not be concerned about the bread. I can multiply them. Nor the fish. I can feed 5,000. Be concerned about doing My Will. Hypocrisy is the yeast of the Pharisees. They turned the law into their favor. They made the law to suit their base desires. Do not be one of them. Be pure in your motivations. Be honest in your endeavors.
Marketing and promotion are important tools, but there is a more effective way.”
“What is the better way? Please show me, Lord.”
“Market yourself using testimonials of people I've touched and healed and whose lives I've changed through you.
“But I have not achieved that level yet. What else can I do?”
“Answer people's needs. What do they need? Ask them. Engage them.”
What Do People Need That I Can Give?
Last night I had a conversation with a friend. I related to her my story of how I've landed in this writing ministry and how God had unfolded His plan one petal at a time. She had asked, "How long are your blog articles?"
"It varies. The weekly blogs are between 1,000-3,000 words while the devotionals are much shorter, around 400-600 words."
"How do you do that?"
I laughed. "I don't know. If it were just me, I wouldn’t be able to do it. Obviously, I receive much help from God. It's exciting and at the same time scary; it's like an adventure."
"I wonder what God's ultimate plan and purpose for me?" she said. "I know I am in the right type of work but somehow, deep within I also know that I am not yet in the right place."
I too wondered.
Many navigate through life without knowing where they're heading. Some have vague ideas. Others, none at all.
Perhaps people want some map or direction on how to navigate this life. Or maybe just a companion so the journey does not become too scary when one gets lost.
Prayer had always been my guide. Yet, I sensed that different types of prayers give different results.
In the past, as a naive Christian, I thought of prayer as a magic lamp where you rub it and the genie, that is God, comes out and asks me what I want and He grants it to me according to His whims.
Now, more and more, I have been asking Him for what He wants. And the more He tells me His wish and I fulfill it, the more I get my heart's desires even without me asking for it.
It's a great mystery.
"Because your prayers can only fly to heaven on the wings of love, praise, adoration, and thanksgiving," my angel said. "Those who approach God with only petitions on their lips will rarely get through the filter of love. Their prayers of supplication uttered in despair, anger, vengeance, pain, and doubt will chain it to the earth. Laden with all the negative emotions, it remains on earth unanswered and never reaches the throne of the Most High. So someone who knows the secret of prayer can aid them in their distress, someone who utters prayers lifted in the spirit of thanksgiving, love, and adoration can penetrate heaven for them. That is where having companions on this journey will benefit the one who is in darkness."
As if in confirmation, I chanced on these words from Psalm 20:4:
"May He grant you according to your heart's desire, and fulfill all your purpose."
And then again in Psalm 37:4
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will grant you your heart’s requests."
"That is where you testify. Share them the map on how to navigate this life. Some may be traveling the same road that you tread, but others may be going in a different direction. It doesn't matter. Like a GPS, prayer is the navigational system that they need. As long as they remain connected to the system, they will not be lost. What they need is your testimony that will assure them that the system is reliable for as long as they know how to use it."
This reminded me of a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen."
Indeed, I can only speak about things I have personally experienced myself. This makes my message unique—as unique as my DNA.
Unique Writers With Unique Messages.
We are indeed a unique group of people. We have a unique message that only we can deliver. That message stems out of the creative spirit bestowed upon us. Because of our unique background and experiences, NO ONE ELSE can deliver it the way we can. So there is no reason to fear that another writer will steal my work and succeed at it. Nor can I steal someone else's work and deliver the message right. Whatever message it is that we need to decode within us only we can do so. He encoded it in us. These creative ideas need to come out of our consciousness. Most of the time it is during moments of silence, of deep self-awareness, in prayer, meditation, and contemplation that we can fathom it.
Creative Ideas, Guidance and Inspirations.
I recalled that day when I prayed for inspiration for my logo. God used the scripture for the day to answer my prayer:
In the evening the dove came back to him, and there in its bill was a plucked-off olive leaf!
I cried in gratitude and thanked God for the logo. It affirmed all my previous inspirations with this powerful symbolism.
The dove represents the Holy Spirit, the Lord God who resides in me and will speak through me. For Noah, the dove was also the bearer of Good News that the water had receded and there is life form on the surface of the earth. It was a symbol of hope. The Lord inspired me to put a pen on the tip of the olive branch to represent writings that give hope.
At that moment I prayed:
"Let me be a bearer of good news, Lord. Let my writings fill me with hope and give people hope. And let the message come from the Holy Spirit."
Since then, I’ve been receiving guidance from Him.
I felt like the deaf and mute man whom Jesus touched in Mark 7:34:
Then He looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him, “Ephphatha!” (that is, “Be opened!”) And immediately the man’s ears were opened, his speech impediment was removed, and he spoke plainly.
Jesus had been urging me to write in plain and simple terms. I knew the words came from Him because it would evoke a response from the reader for whom He sent it.
Nothing else can be more palatable than His words. It is true. His words are sweet as honey. We keep wanting for more. Only He can satiate our deepest longings. Only He can fulfill our deepest needs.
Where else do we go? He alone has everlasting life. That's what we all end up saying. Truly, once we've caught a glimpse of the happiness found in doing His will, everything else fades into obscurity.
In these moments, I feel deeply grateful and can only say, "Thank You for calling me to become one of Your pens. I hope you find me worthy and not blotting."
"For as long as you give your all, you will be worthy of Him."
"No reservations," my angel confirmed.
When I went to mass and received Jesus in communion, it suddenly hit me, and I cried, "My Lord, You have surrendered to me first and continue to surrender! During communion, You give Yourself, Your all to me. How could I have missed that self-surrender? You deserve nothing less from me, You who gave Your all, who loved me first."
"As long as you surrender your all to Him, He can use you in small and mighty ways," my angel confirmed. "He will give you an endless supply of pure creative ink."
At around this time, two years ago, my husband agreed to give me a sabbatical from my work as a nurse and pursue a writing career.
I finished writing my novel in 3 months and had been editing, submitting, revising, resubmitting, and exploring other venues of publication.
Other writing endeavors spurted and went away. It was not until Lent of this year that my writing career gained clarity and direction.
Two years ago, my husband had some misgivings about the financial impact of our decision to live off on a single income. Yet, after going through our usual discernment process we did it and never regretted the decision.
Now, as I end my two-year sabbatical I've come to a decision.
It's time for another "conference" with my husband before making this final committed step.
In the biochemistry parlance, I've approached the rate-limiting step, the point of no return that would push the enzymatic reaction forward.
It had become clear. God was calling me to this writing ministry.
So I told my husband, "I cannot promise you a definite income, as I hoped a writing career would, but God had reassured us of His provision. I've decided not to go back to the nursing workforce."
He didn't protest at all. In fact, he just said, "Sure."
I knew his confidence stemmed from the fact that he had witnessed God's hand in his promotion. It was clear, when God calls, He provides the necessary grace for us to answer the call.
I've noted a certain pattern in God's ways.
First, there's the call. It comes in many ways, some more dramatic than the others. It may come as an inspiration, an idea, a command, or a desire to respond to a perceived need.
And then there's my response. I'd usually acknowledge the call, say yes, or doubt (which is not unusual, and probably the usual norm) and I offer it back to God to seek for affirmation and confirmation.
He'd affirm or confirm in different ways. And often, these ways would appear like coincidences. Sometimes, God had to confirm not once, or twice but three times.
One confirmation is a sign; two is a warning not to ignore the sign, and three is an omen. If still ignored, the omen becomes a bad omen.
Disquiet and restlessness follow with failure to heed God's call.
For simple calls, one affirmation is enough for a sensitive soul. In more serious calls, God is more generous and showers His affirmations even more than three times.
God speaks through a person, an event, a book, or any means handy to Him to reach out to His beloved.
Once the soul finds the grace and makes plans to execute God's will, events follow that would hasten the decision, smoothen out wrinkles and pave the way for God's will to occur, sometimes in miraculous ways.
On one long weekend holiday, He spoke to me through three movies.
My husband and I had a movie marathon with the kids. We watched The Founder, Hidden Figures and La La Land.
The Founder was initially inspiring but left a bitter taste in my mouth in the end. The Hidden Figures inspired all the way through. La La Land left me thinking. It appeared that success can be achieved without giving up a relationship.
I realized, to lead an inspired life was a choice. There are two endings to the pursuit of my dream as a writer, my work vocation. The one that would lead to real happiness is built on relationships and nurtured relationships. It's a success achieved not at the expense of others, leaving broken relationships behind.
It seemed God was carefully laying down my foundation as a writer.
How Would I Define A Successful Writer?
One thing my husband requested when he realized God's special call for me was this: "Just make sure you don't neglect our home."
What he said affirmed what God seemed to be telling me. And God used him again to spell out His desire. I reassured my husband that his request echoed God's will and I have every intention of obeying it.
Knowing My Priorities
I've come to learn that there are calls requiring more commitment and held greater consequences than the others. Mine were bound by the sacraments I received from my Catholic faith.
Topmost in my priority is the call to be a faithful child of God. I received this Sacred Call through the Sacrament of Baptism and reinforced with the Sacrament of Confirmation, nurtured by the other Sacraments: Reconciliation and Eucharist.
At the ripe age of 21, God called me again. This call required careful discernment and sacred commitment on my part.
I had to ask the crucial question for vocation discernment: Was God leading me to the religious life, the married life or the life of single-blessedness?
Two years into my vocation discernment, in 1994, He answered this question, while I was serving the Jesuit Volunteer Program.
One night, while thinking about this particular young man, a co-volunteer, God asked me this "life-changing" question: "Will you take care of my son?"
It was a very distinct voice and call, louder than His other calls. Until now, it remained vivid in my mind. I said yes and took this young man as my boyfriend.
Three years later, I made a sacred vow to God in the Sacrament of Marriage to unite us with Him for all eternity.
This made my husband second to God on my priority list.
A year and a half later, I, together with my husband would make another Sacred Vow in the Sacrament of Baptism of our first-born child, to raise this child and the children that shall come after her, as a child of God.
This vow sits third on my priority list. Keeping this third priority from creeping into second place was a continual challenge, but practice had made it easier to maintain this priority list.
Now, at 45, God was calling me again this time to a service ministry of writing. The call was not sacramentally binding, yet just as sacred because it supported the first.
Things can get quite tricky with this last call because I could mistake the service ministry as God and put it on top of my priority. If this happens, my work would become my god. I need to understand that God is more than just my work or service ministry.
A Call Within A Call
Recently, I've been reading the book, "Mother Teresa Come Be My Light: The Private Writings of the `Saint of Calcutta'". This was how Mother Teresa described her unusual call after years of being a Loreto nun.
A call within a call.
She had made her vow as a religious yet, one day, while on a train ride from a retreat, she heard God call her to leave her religious order and embrace a new life. As a religious, she was married to Jesus. She did not break her vow from Jesus, but only to the congregation that she initially entered, to respond to the new call of her Spouse.
Had she known the huge design of God for the Missionaries of Charity, the religious order she eventually founded, she would have faltered. But God revealed His plans slowly and gradually.
Mother Teresa started with one poor man, with one community, with one country and her life of union with God bore many fruits. She became a miracle worker.
God's Hands In My Work
God's call to me as a writer took long to unravel. Even His design for my website did not come all at once. I made do with what little ideas I had at the start. Since then, I had revised it a number of times according to God's inspiration. My landing page had changed three times and is still evolving.
I looked at my old and new designs and noted the difference. Practice had trained my eyes. Prayer had trained my spirit.
How His designs came about followed the same pattern I had outlined above.
Just like the call to write, things were not laid out in its entirety. God seems to know my capacity and does not want to overwhelm me with all the details.
"Had Peter known that the Church he was to lead would spread to all countries in the world, he would have balked. Had Paul known that the churches he was to inspire would be from all over the regions of the earth, his knees would have buckled," my angel spoke.
I smiled. Just like Mother Teresa, the first apostles did not see all of God's grand design. He showed them a little glimpse and shadow here and there, enough to keep them going.
"It shall be the same with you. Don't bite more than you can chew lest you choke. Continue to pray and allow the Spirit to lead and use you. Keep your priorities in order."
I know I had to constantly remind myself of this.
As I end my two-year sabbatical discernment and start my writer's life, I need to keep my priorities straight in accordance to God's will:
Full-time writer comes fourth and last of my other priorities.
I was first a full-time child of God; second, a full-time wife; and third, a full-time mom.
"Keep your priority in that order and your life will be in order," my angel said.
"I HATED RUNNING. Funny that this is the first sentence from my book, "Running the Millionaire Lane," written in August of 2008. I've come a long way. Running has become a habit; my body craves for it.
With writing, it's the opposite. I've always loved it and running made me realize just how much.
So when at one point, I started to hate writing because it disrupted my family life, I knew I had to find the right balance if this were to become my work until I die. I could not inspire if I feel expired. I want an inspired life to follow me to the tomb; for my epitaph to inspire long after I'm dead.
Not many are blessed to leave work and pursue a writing career. I am one of the few, and one of the handful who'd witness it evolve into a writing ministry.
"You lead a favored life. This is the meaning of carrying your God-given yoke, which is light and easy. God's beloved sleeps while the others toil," my angel said.
"Why don't people strive for this kind of life?"
"Because they are afraid to trust God. They think God will make them carry a heavy cross. Little did they know that the cross they're carrying are much heavier and bigger than what God had intended for them to carry. Foolish men!"
"Why are they afraid to relinquish control of their lives when it's just like an endless adventure with God? In dire circumstances, He'd always provides in a timely manner. I only find myself in need when I take control."
"There's always more than enough for those who trust in God," he said. "He provides your daily bread. God has written your purpose in the deepest desires of your heart. The devil tries to camouflage and mask it with impure desires that mimic that of God's to deceive you and lead you astray. But no matter what harm the devil does, God compensates and uses your experiences for His end and your ultimate purpose."
"I don't practice medicine anymore but I feel my past profession merely foreshadowed a different kind of calling as a doctor."
"That's possible. Are you excited to unravel God's wonderful plan and purpose for you?"
"Just be faithful to His daily call. Your consistent `yes' will ultimately lead you to His grand plan."
"Just one day at a time? One step at a time?"
"Yes. Live and enjoy the present moment. Do what moves you to love."
So I picked up my iPhone and had a blast with blog graphic designs using Typorama and Canva.
If this was His call for the moment, I didn't mind at all!
Build Your Platform
The command has been nagging me since Saturday, the Feast Day of John the Baptist.
How apt, I thought. John was the voice that cried out in the wilderness. He spent most of his growing years in the desert with the Essenes, as some believed, until God sent him out to pave the way for Jesus' ministry.
"Proclaim the Good News through your blogs. Market the Lord's kingdom. You are a Christian Copywriter. That is part of your call."
So I turned to Problogger. The time had come to learn from the experts.
I need to use modern tools to reach out to the modern world, in the same way that John the Baptist abandoned his desert life to proclaim Jesus' coming and adapted to the mainstream life. He could not baptize in the desert. He needed water to baptize.
"Roll up your sleeves; time to work, for the children of this world are more prudent in dealing with their own generation than are the children of light. Learn from them. Make friends for yourselves with wealth of this world and use it to build God's kingdom, so that when it fails, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings," Jesus seemed to be telling me.
He gave me the next 30 days to focus and work on my website.
I remembered the parable of the beam and splinter on the eyes. The parable came out of Jesus' experience as a carpenter. Jesus spent 30 years to build His platform; He learned the craft and trade of carpentry. The priest's homily painted a humane image of the young boy, Jesus with His father, Joseph.
"A beam would sit in between them, and they would have a saw with handles on both ends. In a coordinated fashion, they would push and pull, and cut the beam in half. In the process, a splinter may fly into Jesus' eyes, and Joseph would need to set aside the beam to take out the splinter from the young boy's eyes," the priest described.
I realized that Jesus had called His apostles and disciples and talked to them in their language. Peter and Andrew, the fishermen, would become fishers of men.
"You need to learn the language of today's generation if you want to make sense to them."
Marketing tools, social media, SEO optimization, internal and external links, web layout and design—I have to learn these.
Instead of cringing from the task, I grew excited. I like DIYs and learning new things. I used to blog for fun, and now God is telling me this is to become my writing ministry. Oh, wow! I love it. I can do this for the rest of my life.
It's true, His designs match His purpose. This indicates I am on the right track.
I suspected that the roadblock and slow down on my work with the novel were His doing. He was redirecting me to build a platform to market the book, at the same to refine my voice, through the blog site.
"Establish your platform first—meaning the website," my angel had explained.
And so I had resolved to work on the website for the next 30 days.
In my personal experience, mapping God's movement requires a lot of testing the waters of inspiration and trusting in the Inner Voice. He uses these indicators that I am on the right path—peace, love, and happiness. When I am happy with my work, at peace with my pace and love what I do, I know I tread the path of God's Will.
You Can Be Happy Even Amidst Adversity and Trials
But loving my work at the expense of my other responsibilities can bear bad fruit. Balance is needed.
A couple of days ago, I missed Jesus in the Eucharist because I poured my passion into blog cover design; I didn't notice the time. Even though my work stirred my soul, it also made me irritable when my daughter interrupted me. On several occasions, I minced words with my husband; all sorts of annoyances came upon me.
The following morning I looked at the mirror and saw an ugly face with a deep groove above my brow and around my mouth. And I realized, it had been God who made me look young, beautiful, and radiant.
I recalled how badly I behaved the previous day. "I need Your gentleness and meekness, my Lord. Without Your Presence, I'm most wretched and unloving. My tree rots and I bear bad fruit. Infuse Your Spirit in me once again. Come to me so I may feel the sweetness of Your patience and Your gentleness. You are my life."
If this happened to me because I missed one communion with God what were the state of the souls of others who didn't receive Jesus regularly?
And He said, "You need my grace more than the others because of your poor constitution."
I fell in shame. No wonder He calls me daily to His house to receive Him frequently. Otherwise, people around me would suffer much from my wretched nature. Blessed indeed is the Lord who treats each of us differently according to our own constitution and for giving me my daily Bread.
That day, He sent tribulations to show me my wretched state. Disquiet and chaos filled me until Jesus rebuked me.
"Maintain your peace and embrace your suffering; offer it for your numerous intentions. You ask so many things from Me yet refuse to lift a finger to help Me carry your Cross. You're like Simon of Cyrene who just wants to watch Me and had to be pushed into service to help Me carry the cross he deserved."
What an impertinent child I was. I felt ashamed for thinking myself better than others. Now I see how patient my neighbor had borne her sufferings whereas I, favored and spoiled child, am shaken by mere trifles of inconvenience; even thinking, `how have I deserved such misfortune?'
Truly the light reveals all our imperfections. No wonder people love the darkness.
St. Bernard once wrote that to saints and the elect, tribulation incurs patience; patience, experience; and experience, hope. To the proud, tribulation causes discouragement; discouragement, confusion; and confusion, despair. He urged people to overcome evil with good and fix their hopes in God.
My angel added, "You will have trouble daily. It is your daily dose of the cross. If it comes from the devil, your patient suffering and offering will make the trouble leave as fast as it came, for the devil knows he will lose more souls because of your patient endurance and prayerful sacrifice. If it is from the Lord, your patient endurance will bear the fruit of your daily conversion and spiritual growth. You will come out of the trial brighter and more brilliant as gold tested in fire. Remain humble and abiding in God's love and you will bear your troubles in peace and joy."
It came to me that part of my ministry is intercessory. God nourished me in the spirituality of Carmel, a life devoted to prayer and worship, my priestly role. My preaching and prophetic role is just an overflow of my prayer life.
This inspired me to add another section in my website.
The Prayer Requests Section
As though in confirmation, the Gospel today recounted the story of the Centurion. He inspired the words that are recited every day in all the masses throughout the world, on account of his great faith, "Lord, I am not worthy that You should enter under my roof, but only say the words and my soul shall be healed."
And Jesus had said to the centurion, “You may go; as you have believed, let it be done for you.” And at that very hour, his servant was healed.
The centurion’s strong faith healed his servant. The servant didn’t even do anything.
This is the power of intercessory prayer.
God hears the prayer of the righteous man (Proverbs 15:29). And it was not the Centurion who was righteous, but Jesus, whom he approached.
In the same Gospel passage, the mother-in-law of Peter was healed not because she asked for healing. Jesus chanced upon her lying in bed with fever and healed her.
It came upon me that I could use my relationship with Jesus to benefit the people around me.
Every day, I talk to Him; every day or as often as I can, I take Him in the Eucharist to be united with Him, and He gives Himself to me not just for my own consumption and benefit but for the benefit of the people around me.
I can become His channel of mercy to those who are too weak and too sick to ask for His healing.
In communion with the saints on earth, I can lift up the prayer intentions in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass during the Prayers of the Faithful. Through my communion with the Saints in heaven, I can also ask the intercession of these Great Saints. They are now seated near the throne of God. They can help me pray to God for the relief of the sickness of my friends and their families, whether it is a physical, emotional, spiritual or financial sickness that keeps them from getting up and serving God.
When Peter's mother-in-law was healed of her sickness, she began serving the Lord Jesus, perhaps out of a sense of obligation, or in gratitude for the healing, or simply to serve her son-in-law's Guest or just because she loves Him. No matter what her motive was, she served and waited on the Lord after she was healed.
"And this is how you are to practice your profession as a doctor now. This is your call to practice medicine—you shall obtain healing and give healing through your prayers, works and sacrifices, so Jesus, the Great Physician can heal more effectively and permanently. Your past life is just a foreshadowing of your true call and mission,” my angel said.
“Some people already live their calls and their vocations through their work. But it shall not be with you. Many are called, but few are chosen for this kind of ministry. Some are called to be priests, others prophets, and still others kings, to govern God's people.”
“You shall be judged according to your faithfulness to your call and purpose. Do your work well, and you shall gain the crown meant for you. Sow sparingly, and you shall reap sparingly. There is always time to repent, and everyone is given many chances to pick up the pieces."
"Is God not the Lord of Mercy? He allowed the thief, who was crucified beside Him to enter heaven at the last hour. It will never be too late as long as you still live on earth. Even the pain and agony of your dying moments can be offered as a sacrifice of atonement for your sins and can pay your way to your rightful place. God had already handed the keys to you, but you must pick up and put it in the keyhole to enter heaven. He had given the medicine...but you must take and drink."
"Jesus promised to heal everyone. In fact, He had already healed everyone."
My angel was right.
He took away our infirmities and bore our diseases.
He had died once and for all. The medicine is available, but the sick must take it to be healed.
To further affirm the inspiration, I came upon Sr. Faustina's Diary. She recounted the supporting roles of prayer warriors who may not be on the front line of the battlefield like the priests, nuns, preachers, pastors, and missionaries, but who are in the kitchen, the hospital, the homes, doing all sorts of jobs to support the troops out there.
I realize that these hidden roles are just as crucial in God's Church as those other roles directly in the service of the Church. We are the feeders that nourish the Body of Christ. Without the feeders, the Body will become sick, grow ill and even die.
Our domestic lives are those that send priests, nuns, missionaries, and workers to God's Church. It is from our humble homes that God calls His shepherds and faithful sheep. He builds His Church starting in our homes. And if our homes are in disarray and chaos, His Church will be in turmoil.
Your Sanctification is in Your Home
"This is your monastery," my angel said. "Establish truth in your home. Justice sits at the left and mercy at the right. Justice demands that you give what one deserves, but mercy demands more, that you forgive more than one deserves. Govern your home in such a way, and you will live in the Era of the Divine Mercy and enjoy the benefits of its promise:
“He has mercy on those who fear him in every generation. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty.”
“He has come to the help of his servant Israel for he has remembered his promise of mercy, the promise He made to our fathers, to Abraham and his children forever.”
Justice demands that you give what one deserves, but mercy demands more, that you forgive more than one deserves.
"God's mercy abounds and overflows from His heart, but people reject and refuse it. You cannot enter heaven on your own merits. It can only be through the merits of the Firstborn Son, Jesus. He has opened the Gates of Heaven, and everyone is invited to come in."
"Happy are you if you find a welcoming banquet on your return home."
"And there lies your happiness, if you use all the tools you have here on earth to pave your way to your rightful place."
So this is the secret to happiness. I smiled.
I feared the writer's block.
When torrents of blog ideas poured the past week, a part of me dreaded the turn of tide.
Even in prayer and the spiritual life, I know dryness and aridity can happen: when I have to drag myself to pray, and God seems deaf and blind, and I don’t feel His presence. Yet, I pray anyway because that's what separates a disciple from a mere petitioner.
A disciple embraces the discipline of prayer even when the Lord responds or not.
So it must be the same with writing, I thought. It is a discipline so mental block should not stop me from writing even when the well of inspiration runs dry.
I thought one way of dealing with this is to deposit excess inspirational funds like saving in the bank, so I can still post blogs even when inspiration escapes me.
And that’s what I did. I stored potential topics and posts in my One Note App.
When the Well Runs Dry
One morning, it happened. My well ran dry. My heart felt cold. The words of the Bible left me unmoved. Nothing.
St. Teresa would advise an arid soul to pick up a good spiritual book and read through the prayer time. I heeded her advice, and it got me through my 30 minutes of uninspired time with God.
I went out to run. Again, my mind rattled like a noisy peddler. My legs shuffled like an old woman's and dragged my weary body.
It was the music that kept me going. At the very end, the upbeat tune blew some fuel to my limbs, and I ran like a child. I imagined myself chasing my playmates in a game of tag, and running in the fields while flying kites. My imagination took over and prodded me to run.
I recalled the endless days of playing under the sun. We ignored the passage of time. We played for the sheer joy of playing. Kids nowadays play for scores and prizes. No wonder stores sell those stress-relieving toys for six year-old children. Even their play had become stressful. Ah, they are missing a lot of things. We used to play not to compete but just to play, laugh and have fun. We can go hungry and not mind.
And if we did, there were the fruit trees to climb.
I'd often sit on the roof with a small plastic bag of salt, and eat tambis (watery rose apple fruit) dipped in salt until I could breathe no more from fullness. I’d languor under the shade of the overhanging tree, stare at the sky, and daydream. As a child, I had all the time in the world.
And I had a sudden realization. This must be the reason why Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven belonged to the children—the child-like, the child at heart because they have all the time in the world to listen.
“I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to little ones.” That’s what Jesus said. “No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him.” Blessed indeed are the childlike for Jesus reveals the secrets of the kingdom to them.
Once again I am reminded of St. Therese of the Child Jesus, the little one, who would sit on God's lap and to whom Jesus would say, "The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
It also occurred to me that God would not give a little one something so heavy to carry. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; For my yoke is easy, and my burden light,” Jesus said.
To be a little one is to be the Little Jesus' playmate as St. Therese is.
And there are many whom the Child Jesus would call to be His playmates, to play with Him. No wonder sometimes He’d disappear from me because He’s playing hide and seek with me. That day, He must have hidden from me.
I remembered my first blog about finding the voice of the little child in me, the one who would speak up without being prompted, who would tell the truth without malice nor intent to harm. That is the kind of writer He wants me to be.
I also imagined how children like to doodle and draw. Sometimes, the parents would be so proud of the work, they frame it and show it off. But most of the time, they just gather the doodled work and put it in a file, and most of the time the little one would not care what the parents would do with it. She just keeps on doodling and using up papers and scattering them everywhere. I will be like that little one. I will write and write and write to my heart's delight. Should God find a work of mine that He’d feel proud of, He’d most likely prompt me to publish it on the website or send me the agent to get it published. Otherwise, I will just doodle and doodle because I love to do it. And I consider it play.
Isn't that my intent, to find a work that I'd consider play, so it is a pleasure to do every day?
When Work Becomes Mere Play
My daughter talked about making another musical presentation for her project and how she's enjoying her boring summer course because of it. Music is definitely her oxygen.
“That's how work should be, like play!” I told her. “Now you are enjoying your school work.”
St Therese's doctrine makes perfect sense. She has indeed discovered the secret of finding favor in God's eyes in her little way.
Her simple doctrine, based on the gospel, is to be a little one.
The more I pondered on this, the more I realized her genius.
Imagine if you're a baby, the parent will always be there at your every cry, "Why my little one, what's wrong? Do you want to eat? You want to play?" And the parent stoops down to that child's level. And when the child falls on her feet while learning how to walk, the parent holds her hand until her legs have steadied. And even when they would allow the child to fall and cry, they will make sure she is safe and does not allow her to fall off the stairs or a cliff. She is ever before their watchful eyes.
That was St. Therese's secret—complete trust and surrender to God’s care. God gave her the highest honor even with her very simple doctrine because despite its simplicity, adults find it hard to do. They refuse to relinquish control, but a little one will not have her own agenda for the day. She would allow her parents to carry her wherever they go: whether out shopping, to the playground, or to the zoo. And the little one does not worry about her food; she knows her father will take care of her daily bread. And when the parent tells her not to do something because it can hurt her, a small one will obey, and if she does not, she'll eventually learn that it was for her own good when she gets hurt for not obeying.
And a child loves to play! So the parents allow her to play.
And that's how work should be, mere play.
And that’s what my writing should be, mere play.
That day, when I did not find inspiration in prayer, I turned to running. And I found God when I treated running as mere play. I ran like a child. And yesterday, I imagined the Little Jesus beckoning me to play outside with him, when I went out for my run. And we searched for secret nooks and trails, looked at strange flowers and just enjoyed the sun and the birds.
“Didn't you envy those whose hobby earned their keep and had become their source of income and means of living? Let your work become your hobby. See if you enjoy it more.”
My angel is right. That’s an advice for everyone. And I would add that if after a year, you still dread your work, for heaven's sake find another! Why on earth would you stick to knitting if you loathed it? Find a hobby that you'd enjoy. Best if you make your hobby become your work, then your work becomes mere play.
“If my work becomes mere play, would inspiration still leave me? Would I still have writer's block?" I asked my angel.
“Imagine a parent leaving the toddler in the crib and letting him cry. The child eventually learns that playtime is over. He needs to rest and sleep. Sometimes you have to stop playing, or working; it's time to rest and sleep.”
It was then that I realized this was the reason for my dryness in prayer, and my lack of energy in running and lack of inspiration in writing.
I slept late the previous night!
Matthew Kelly, best selling author of the book, The Rhythm of Life, once spoke to a group of health care professionals at Cincinnati Children's and said, "Your day starts the night before. If you don't get enough sleep, you've sabotaged your day, your work and yourself."
So that's the reason for my writer's block: tiredness.
“As a Christian writer, you deal differently with writer's block," the Lord seemed to tell me. "You don't store up your riches of inspired writing for future use because I've sent those messages not for your use but for My people. You do not hoard it. Some messages are more crucial and need to be delivered promptly than the others. A Christian writer operates differently. Your inspirations follow the principle of positive feedback, like a mother's breast that would keep on producing as long as the baby continues to feed on it. Once the mammary glands detect incomplete emptying of milk, it will stop producing milk. That's what will happen to inspirational writers like you. Once you hold on to these messages for future use, for fear of a writer's block, the inspirations will cease. You must write and never stop writing but know when to publish.”
The Pain of Waiting
Know when to publish. The comment pinched my heart. I remembered my book. Had I not waited long enough? Or did God change His mind? Or perhaps I only made up those promises that I claimed to be His. These doubts assailed me last Saturday.
In response to my doubts, the rain poured and brought me to the treadmill so I could watch this video and God could assure me that I had not imagined His promises.
God’s promises never fail whereas my heart change and my fleeting emotions varies with the season.
Even then, God is like a GPS with built-in alternate routes, some longer or slower, but nevertheless lead to the same destination. He recalculates when I make a wrong turn or wrong decision, when I've become lazy to fulfill my end of the promise and fail to do my part. He still makes ends meet.
Being born again and entering the womb has its growing pains. It's part of growing little before the Lord.
While growing up, my daughter used to complain of shin pains.
"The long bones of your legs are growing," I'd explain. Still, she'd complain every day as this happened. And I'd explain every day.
I'm like my daughter, constantly complaining of my growing pains. My impatience makes the waiting painful.
“When is the fulfillment of Your promise happening? You told Me…." and it goes on and on, the yakking and crying. Yet, God in His Fatherly goodness explains and repeats Himself every single day.
Now, I embrace His promises once more and look out for signs. The number 7, 10 and 30. Highway signs, reroutings, they're all before me. Recalculating.
Sometimes a writer's block is not just a block on the road. It's a sign that the road is not safe to navigate, a tree has fallen, or a ravine lies waiting in the end.
I stop and reroute, allowing God's internal GPS to lead me.
And it led me to write daily devotionals and add inspiring infographics to my portfolio.
Indeed, His well is deep.
The more I give inspiration, the more I receive inspiration
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